Day Five of 3:AM’s Tao Lin Week and we present some of our favourite Tao Lin “moments” (in no particular order):
* A story, Sex After Not Seeing Each Other For a Few Days. It begins:
Rachel is wearing a pale red thong, a panda-head hairclip and a red jersey leisure dress. She rubs organic coconut oil on her thighs and arms. She thinks, “Sexy bitches,” and feels confused because “bitches” was plural but she is alone in the house. She goes downstairs and lies on the couch and stares at the ceiling. She thinks about a depressed hamster running into the ocean screaming in agony. She thinks about her boyfriend flying through the air attacking her with his penis. The penis hits her shoulder and knocks her down. She feels wet. Her cellphone rings. It’s her boyfriend. “I’m in the taxi,” Matt says. “I’ll be there soon.”
* A non-fiction piece, The Levels of Greatness a Fiction Writer Can Achieve in America, From Lowest to Highest:
CENTIPEDE IN THE DARKNESS: Noah Cicero
Has published seven books. One on Lulu, two on his personal blog, and four POD on small presses. Rarely, if ever, has sex with fans he meets on MySpace. Gets more hits on his blog in half a week than has sold books in five years. Ignored by all print, for-profit media except in foreign countries. Makes enough money from his writing to get drunk once a season. Will likely die alone of something easily treatable if he’d had money or motivation to go to a doctor. Will be forgotten in 20 years (while he is still alive) when he loses the ability to blog after getting first-degree burns on both hands while boiling potatoes at work. Will be rediscovered 60 years after his death. Blog will be published as a hardcover in 2270 on Mars.
* An enterprise: Ass Hi Books, with particular attention to the very retarded giant moth:
the moth was very giant and very retarded
it lived in pennsylvania
it was very retarded
it was as big and heavy as a bird
the moth was very big and very retarded
* Another story, The Existentially Fucked Megamouth Shark:
“The existentially fucked megamouth shark is fourteen-feet long and weighs 1100 pounds and is very clean and healthy, because of its raw organic vegan diet, and often receives compliments from other megamouth sharks about its beautiful dark-gray skin and “healthy glow,” but spends almost all its time alone in the Indian Ocean floating in place at 14,000 feet below sea level with a concerned facial expression thinking about various philosophical issues such as the relationship between “the arbitrary nature of the universe” and “consciousness means we must choose”; the function in terms of morality of writing, art, or music that is without rhetoric; and the question of whether to focus one’s attention and meaning in life on one megamouth shark, on a few megamouth sharks, on one’s own morality, or on all megamouth sharks.”
* A book launch: ‘cognitive-behavorial therapy’ launch party
* A “literary feud”: Kevin Sampsell
* Another: Pindeldyboz
* And another: n+1
* A “non-literary feud”: Gawker (and their pardon)
* “tao lin” in the Urban Dictionary:
tao lin
(1) to be excruciatingly aware that one is existentially fucked
(2) to reduce suffering in the world in spite of (1) by accruing lots of money and re-distributing it to organic or independent companies
(3) to be fame hungry in order to accomplish (2)
(4) an aversion for idioms, cliches, and platitudes
(5) to feel bored as your ‘normal’ feeling
(6) a funny author of books for people and animals; he doesn’t discriminate
* “Britney Spears”.
What are yours?
In the new 
