9 Girls Called Joan
By Emily Josephine McPhillips.
This story was selected by Niven Govinden as part of the NOISE Festival 2008: “I loved the quirkiness of this story, and in places it made me laugh out loud. But its playfulness belies sharp, incisive writing that show great promise.”
#1 Like most people I meet, I have an auntie called Joan. My auntie Joan looks like Elton John, but how Elton John looks when he looks like Mark Twain. The three of them look like the crew of a small boat that probably doesn’t even need a crew at all, this boat is probably so advanced in technology that it drives itself, cleans itself, and thinks for the three Elton John/Mark Twain/Auntie Joan lookalikes. The boat begins to feel confused, it malfunctions in a puff of smoke that used to be modern technology, and those people first on the scene are finding it hard to piece together where Elton ends and Joan begins, and they don’t even believe that Mark Twain exists.
#2 I used to sit next to Joan at school, she had yellow hair, and she wore one of those headbands that had her name iced on the top. I wore her headband once and people called me Joan, and it felt strange. Then one of the boys in our class wore it over his eyes and pretended to be someone from Star Trek, and we all found him very dull.
#3 Joan worked at the checkouts in Sainsbury’s and charged me too much for a raspberry sundae that I only bought because it had been reduced. It had a reduced to clear sticker on it, but Joan charged me full price. I didn’t realise that Joan had made this mistake until I had driven all the way home, and had eaten my raspberry sundae whilst watching a new Australian soap called Out of the Blue that I thought looked shit, and it was shit, and the sundae wasn’t that great, and I looked at the receipt that was in my pocket, squashed in and creased, and saw that I had been charged full price. I felt angry at Joan. Maybe Joan was some incredibly loyal employee who believed the full price was the fair price, and that I wasn’t allowed a bargain from time to time. I don’t want decisions like this to be made by Joan.
#4 Joan is a lesser-known branch of right-wing politics.
#5 Joan Fontaine is still alive, she is ninety — I just found this out from Wikipedia; this makes me feel really quite happy. Joan Fontaine is quite possibly the closest I have come to falling for a woman.
#6 I am a man called Joan Miro. You should correct your title to include me.
9 Girls called Joan and 1 Man called Joan
#6 continued: You might know me as a surrealist. I think it is easier to leave a painting for you to look at instead, because I feel shy now.
#7 Dear Joan,
We are enjoying ourselves immense the weather is simply lovely. We went to Chapel this morning it’s fine there was a baptism. Mr. Watterworth took us for a walk this afternoon there’s some lovely walks in fact everything is simply splendid he took us to see Bob Heaton (the Sutton Poet) he recited for us. We can see 13 villages from the ravenstones we can also see courtiers with the aid of glasses. We had a hard pull up on Sat. but tea was ready when we landed. I am quite looking forward to taking you for a walk on Tues. If I am a bit late you must take to the left from the station, past Sutton Baptist but of course I shall be there all being well. We are going to Skipton tomorrow if fine.
With Love from Sis.
#8 My first wife was called Joan, at first she seemed like a real sweetheart, we were lovers and friends and I truly thought we would spend the rest of our lives together. Then twenty years later Joan was much older, wrinkled, she didn’t wear the same figure-enhancing clothes as she used to, and so I met Miranda and we began to have an affair, and now she is my wife instead. I do miss Joan from time to time, and I do still send her Christmas and birthday cards.
#9 I think Ingrid Bergman makes a much better Joan of Arc than Milla Jovovich, but I haven’t seen either movie, I’m just being biased.
#10 Joan is a beautiful girl that you just haven’t met yet, Joan is your mother’s name too, but don’t think that you’re looking for someone like your mother just because her name is Joan, too. Your mother will be strangely flattered. The young beautiful Joan might feel a little uneasy, so try to convince her otherwise, because she is very beautiful and will probably meet somebody else very soon.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Emily Josephine McPhillips was born in 1985. She appears in the forthcoming Offbeat anthology. Read more here.
First published in 3:AM Magazine: Sunday, October 5th, 2008.
