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Breakfast Fragments

Guilty Confession

Sometimes I recreate the Battle Of Dunkirk
in my mind
and sometimes I let the Germans

The Fonz At 70

Arthur Fonzarelli walks into the toilets
of Al’s Diner, only the diner was replaced
by a dry cleaners and the toilets are now a
back office, with plants and a filing cabinet.
“Heeeeey,” he says, giving the thumbs up.
“I don’t know who you are or what you want,”
snaps a women at the desk, reaching for her berretta
“But I suggest you leave before I call the police.”

Kitchen Wisdom

Too many cooks spoil the broth
usually by underestimating the
expansive power of pearl barley.

Oh, Brother

Last night I dreamt
that we went to
a whorehouse
but I couldn’t go
through with it
so went and watched
BMXers do somersaults
into the sea
with the footballer
Ronaldo instead
The fucker made me carry his suitcase.
You got stuck in.

Icelandic Advice

Don’t lick the glacier.


There’s a reason way more
men than women put
their backs out and
it is nothing to
do with

Funeral Arrangements

When I die I’d like to have my body cremated then my ashes mixed into a major supply of cocaine so that all the fucking cokehead kids and rock stars and lawyers and brokers will have a bit of me coursing through their veins causing them to talk the type of bullshit that I have pretty much turned into a professional career. That or a straight burial is fine.

The Eternal Question

Q. Can man exist on hummus alone?
A. Yes, but he will definitely be alone.

Ben Myers used to want to be a boxer.

First published in 3:AM Magazine: Friday, November 3rd, 2006.