:: Article


By Alan McCormick & Jonny Voss.

It was just the kind of party to be seen at and Nigel Ferranti was extremely keen to be seen. His hush puppy soles gripped the expensive Swedish decking, a well-sourced surface he intended to praise to the hosts later on, whilst his tight bottom clenched and his tiny mouth pursed and puckered ready to meet and greet anyone making it his way. For an hour, his risqué Sex on the floor cocktail in hand, Nigel Ferranti waited but no partygoer strayed near.

Nigel Ferranti re-checked his fly, straightened his tie, and secreted a hot mint freshener under his tongue. He smiled as best he could with such a tiny mouth but he was aware his attempt at friendly frivolity, whilst sipping from under a pink umbrella, could in such a dim party light look like the obscene tears of a grimacing bottom hole. So instead he closed his mouth tight to affect a sullen look, and to hopefully appear a little mysterious. But still no soul ventured near, and another hour passed.

Nigel Ferranti shifted position to show his better side, re-checked his fly, straightened his tie, and secreted a glycerine suppository capsule into his rear end. The effect was startling and immediate, and the bottom of his trouser shook and cavorted as if there was a private party going on inside his pants. The beautiful hostess of the party came over to see what was happening.

‘Are you okay?’ she asked.

‘Hello, I’m Nigel Ferranti. I like you. Do you like me?’

As Nigel Ferranti offered her his hand, his bottom and mouth belched and farted in unison. The beautiful hostess let go an ugly scream, and the rest of the partygoers drew near to see what was happening. They all looked at Nigel Ferranti and his bulging party pants. Though a little sheepish about the attention he was receiving, his bottom grinned, and his mouth managed a small, shy public smile.

‘Fame at last,’ he exclaimed. ‘How sweet it is!’


Dogsbodies and Scumsters, a collection of Alan McCormick‘s stories and Jonny Voss‘ illustrations, is available now on Roast Books. See more of their work at Scumsters and Dogsbodies & Scumsters. You can also view an interactive animation by Raimar Oestreich on YouTube based on a Scumster short originally posted on 3:AM in October 2009: ‘Cancer Bob and the YoYo.’

First published in 3:AM Magazine: Tuesday, October 30th, 2012.