:: Article

I Will Become a Mexican

By Blake Butler

i dont want to think as much as i do
thinking about not wanting to think as much as i do
is another extension of the same thought
i am endlessly thinking recurring things
that don’t have any effectual significance
and as a result i end up pushing people away
i like to go to the grocery
because people there don’t try to talk to you
the only time i can remember
being talked to at the grocery i was buying diet barq’s
a guy with his hat on backwards came up
and told me ‘good choice’
but then he saw that it was diet
and he hadn’t noticed that before
and he said ‘why are you getting diet?’
and i lied and said it was for my girlfriend
i didn’t have a girlfriend at the time
i spent most nights in my room feeling stupid.
i don’t know why i lied
later i saw the same guy in the store on a different aisle
and he said ‘hey what’s up man’ and i said ‘what’s up’
mostly when i’m talking to people i don’t act like myself
i am more mean to people i care about than people i don’t know
outside there are mexicans using leaf blowers on the lawn
i wish i would get up and take them lemonade
and/or diet barq’s on a platter
with my hair tied up in a ponytail,
though my hair is not long enough for a pony tail
i drank so much coffee just now
i am kind of shaking and i wonder if that’s bad
i should go to the grocery
and use the blood pressure machine
and feel it constrict around my arm
i’d like a machine like that for home
big enough to stick my head in
i would do it every day first thing in the morning
and every night before i go to bed
and probably a lot throughout the day
i would do it so much
there would be an indention burned into my forehead
like a very thick bandanna
it would mark the beginning of a newer, more efficient me
i would grow a ponytail to my ass


Blake Butler lives in Atlanta. He has work in or forthcoming with Caketrain, Burnside Review, Sleepingfish, Alice Blue Review, etc. His website is www.deadwinter.com and his blog is blakebutler.blogspot.com.

First published in 3:AM Magazine: Saturday, June 9th, 2007.