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Jim Giraffe’s Stories

By Jim Giraffe & Daren King.

Jim has written some stories. He writes well, for a heathen. You can read some of his better efforts below:


This is the first story Jim ever wrote, when I’d just bought him the hoofwriter. He was having trouble working it.

beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeedr beer


This next one is Jim’s favourite. I’m not so keen. In my opinion, it lacks warmth.

One day Jim and Daren went to the zoo. They saw some animals. The animals were in cages. Jim had a milkshake. Then, some dancing girls came along and gave Jim a kiss. Then, Daren started crying. I don’t like him. He is rubbish.


There is a lot to be said for freedom of expression. However, there is a fine line between being creative and being an ignoramus, and this story crosses it. Jim, I am not happy.

Jim and Daren King and Alistair Canister went to the pub. Daren and Alistair didn’t have any money so Jim bought the drinks. Jim had a pint of beer and Daren had shandy. Alistair wanted oil but they didn’t have any so he had water. Then, Opinion Onion came in.

Jim said, “What do you want to drink?” and he said he wanted a dry white wine. He wanted crisps so Jim bought him cheese & onion and he got cross.

Then, Jim bought drinks for everyone in the whole pub. Everyone likes him. He is really nice.

Then, some dancing girls came in. Jim bought them a bottle of champagne and they said they liked him and gave him their phone number.

Then Daren got killed.

Daren King was born in Harlow, Essex. His debut novel, Boxy an Star, was shortlisted for the Guardian First Book Award. He has written two other novels for adults, Tom Boler and Jim Giraffe, and written and illustrated an adult cartoon book, Smally’s Party.

First published in 3:AM Magazine: Sunday, August 10th, 2003.