:: Article

Lone Ranger Ain’t No Stranger

By Alan McCormick & Jonny Voss.


Mescaline, mescaline, that’s my tipple of toxin.

Bit pretentious, mine’s an Amaretto on the rocks.

A book will give you all you need simpers the tiny reader on the aperitif woman’s head.

Bite hard on a porcupine, crumple it up and squeeeze out its poison onto your lips booms the Lion.

I like a concertina when it sings, steams the anvil man behind his mask of glass.

Don’t mind a warm gun between my legs as long as it’s spent mutters cowboy cunt.

It’s working thinks the mescaline man, it’s fooking working.

Porcupine poison flicks the mescaline man’s tiny hooves and he’s off across the prairie like a frightened fart. Somewhere between land and sky he settles down and meets the lion: are you a scary cat? he asks.

Mane’s a pint purrs the lion like a soft girl’s brush.

Then you and me is pals for ever giggles the mescaline man, yanking the lion’s tail like a beer pump.

Then two little horns rise abruptly from the mescaline man’s head like a bony V and all know to leave him well alone except cowboy cunt who nuzzles up like Silver on a cold lonely night.


Dogsbodies and Scumsters, a collection of Alan McCormick‘s stories and Jonny Voss‘ illustrations, is available now on Roast Books. See more of their work at Scumsters and Dogsbodies & Scumsters. You can also view an interactive animation by Raimar Oestreich on YouTube based on a Scumster short originally posted on 3:AM in October 2009: ‘Cancer Bob and the YoYo.’

First published in 3:AM Magazine: Thursday, March 8th, 2012.