:: Article

my personal ad from the stranger’s dating website is entirely unsuccessful

By Brandon Scott Gorrell.

i dont want someone that reads the new york times or any newspaper with interest even the stranger

sometimes the stranger can be okay but if you look forward to the stranger every week and tell me you read it every week then i will think negative things about you probably

if you are obsessed with politics i will have negative thoughts

i will have negative thoughts if you are the ceo of a major corporation

i will probably have negative thoughts if you ‘slip in’ information that you think makes you appear more creative and artistic

im starting to sound bitter

dating is hard

i don’t care if you’re creative and artistic i just would like to meet someone i think is pretty and quiet and can deal with meaninglessness in a detached and secure way

my room is kind of dirty

if you own a car i am more likely to have negative thoughts about you but there are exceptions to this

if you can sit in a room with another person and read while the other person reads and the other person can forget that you are there and have extreme undetached interested in the book they are reading and this can happen for over two consecutive hours for an indefinite and possibly limitless number of nights or weekends then i will have positive thoughts about you

if your perception of me does not include a sarcasm about who you think i think i am, about what you think i think my persona means to you and other people, then i will have negative thoughts about you

if your perception of yourself does not include a detached sarcasm of yourself then i will have negative thoughts about you

if your perception of yourself is out of control and belligerent then i will have negative thoughts about you

if you like my hair i will have positive thoughts about you

if i like the way you dress i will have positive thoughts

if you ‘believe in’ marriage or even extended ‘utterly satisfying’ monogamous relationships i think i will have negative thoughts but i am not entirely sure

if you are okay with someone calling you for the main reason that they can think of nothing else to do then i will have positive thoughts

if you define yourself in your personal ad with a list of adjectives i think i will immediately have negative thoughts because i think these are all indications of an undetached belligerent perception of yourself which makes me feel bad

all this is partly to prove to you that i think i’m ‘different’ but i think all these statements are true and if the ‘rules’ are followed success is more likely

i can not imagine anyone replying to this personal ad

i am capable of laughing and smiling and doing all of the things i have listed that make me ‘have negative thoughts’

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR
“i work at frontier cafe in downtown seattle (southwest corner of 3rd and cherry), come in and mention this blog and i will make you any espresso drink you want and give it to you for free, i’m serious, i am there every day, i have a moustache a little, you cannot miss me”

First published in 3:AM Magazine: Thursday, May 29th, 2008.