:: Article

Pub Talk

By Alan McCormick & Jonny Voss.


In the pub, Gordon the bore boar is telling Melissa the pisser about his day of drinking.

You didn’t get naughty, did you Gord?

I’m afraid I did, Melissa. The cat had got in through the window whilst I was crouching under the bar making noises with my feet. I thought it was eyeing the fish from the aquarium.

What exactly did you do?

I ate the cat, silly; what else could I do? Five catty Cutty Sarks and a ginger cat ale and it was digested, fur ball and all.

You are the Lord, Gord, when it comes to ingesting a domestic.

Now my blood was pumping, and who should come in pointing his filthy finger and mouthing a dirty? Only fudge face Sid and his brain made out of salt bollocks and stuff.

What did you do?

I invited him to sit down next to me and tell me why he smelled like a pong gone wrong in downtown Hong Kong.

What did he say?

His answer was inaudible because I ate his tongue.

That’s illegal, isn’t it?

Not in my pub. Then I had seventeen bags of pig scratchings and fifty snifters of Big Bradley Badger. I was well and truly pissed, if you know what I mean?

You were drunk as a skunk?

No, I’d wet my pants. Anyway, as I was wringing out my underwear and hanging my pants to dry on the radiator, a coach load of knickerless nubile nymphomaniacs came into the pub. They saw my truncheon cuffs and shouted and pointed at the same time: ‘We want that, now!’

So what did you do?

I obliged their desires and we had a bloody filthy orgy right there and then. They’re probably all pregnant by now.

You are incorrigible, Lord Gord.

And you look very dirty in this light.

And then they kiss like aroused antelopes necking around a small berry tree; for Melissa the pisser is a sucker for a pucker and kiss from a kisser who smells of piss.


Alan McCormick’s stories have appeared in many places, including the Bridport Anthology, Matter, Decongested Tales and Litro, and on the net at dogmatika, DeadDrunkDublin, nthposition and Pulp.net. His illustrated work with the artist Jonny Voss can be found at 3:AM and Scumsters.

First published in 3:AM Magazine: Wednesday, November 24th, 2010.