:: Article

Stripper Excuses

By Noah Cicero.

Introduction: These are things I’ve heard strippers say to either not come to work or leave early.

‘My grandmother died.’
‘My cousin died.’
‘My aunt died.’

This one girl who I think is dead now, went through her whole family in one month.

‘I’m bleeding like a stuck pig.’

Think about it.

‘I have a yeast infection.’
‘I was outside in the cold, and my nipples were hard for a long time. And they hurt real bad.’
‘I ran out of painkillers and my knee hurts. I need to go home and take more pain killers.’
‘Someone just offered me three hundred dollars to have sex with him, but he needs to do it right now.’
‘I drunk a bottle of Hennessy on the way to work and I’m really drunk.’
‘My kid is sick.’

That is for all jobs though. Every job I’ve ever worked there was always one bitch whose kids got sick every fucking week. You would think she was feeding them germs.

‘My toe is broke.’
‘I’m having the bunion removed.’
‘Water in the knee.’
‘I’m getting breast implants.’
‘I’m having a medical procedure Tuesday morning.’

Strip joint managers know what Tuesday morning is. Tuesday is the only day the discount abortion clinic operates.

‘I’m in jail.’
‘Gotta wake up and go to court.’
‘I was bailing my boyfriend out of jail.’
‘My boyfriend’s trial is in the morning.’
‘My trial is in the morning.’
‘My boyfriend beat me up so bad I look like hell.’
‘My weave fell out.’
‘The cap on my front tooth fell off.’
‘My boyfriend got mad and shaved my head.’
‘My boyfriend got mad and burned all my dancer clothes.’
‘My car broke.’

Also used at every fucking job.

‘I got a DUI and they impounded my car.’

Also used at every job.

‘I lost my car.’
‘I’m sick.’
‘I’m having the baby.’

Noah Cicero has written three books: The Human War (Fugue State Press), The Condemned (Six Gallery Press) and Burning Babies, which is forthcoming in 2006. He has been published at Black Ice, Retort Magazine, Prague Literary Review, and Nth Position.

First published in 3:AM Magazine: Sunday, July 22nd, 2007.