TWO WEEKS' NOTICE
Copyright © 2004 All Rights Reserved
"You've got to promise me that what I'm about to tell you does not leave this office."
"Don't worry, Mr. President. You know your secrets are safe with me."
"I'm not sure how to put this."
"Sir, what is it?"
"Well, Dick, I've been thinking about things a lot lately, and well, let me get straight to the point. You know me as well as anybody around here, and I need you to write me a letter of recommendation."
"What on earth are you talking about?"
"You know, a letter of recommendation. It's where you write a letter about someone saying all kinds of good things and-"
"I know what a letter of recommendation is. What I'm wondering is, why could you possibly need one?"
"It's for a job."
"A job? Excuse me for stating the obvious, sir, but you've already got a job. You've got this job."
"I know I've got this job. But I've been doing it for almost four years now, and I'm not so sure it's working out like I had hoped. I'm ready for a change."
"But Mr. President, you can't change jobs. We're just getting rolling. You've got four more years ahead of you. We're gonna see to that."
"Why does everybody assume that I want this job for four more years? Maybe four years is enough. I don't recall looking anybody in the eye, shaking their hand, and promising I'd do eight. If I did, you better believe I'd keep my word, because where I come from a man's handshake is as good as any damn piece of paper."
"But sir, this is the greatest, most important job in the world. Boys and girls all over America grow up dreaming to one day have your job."
"Don't you understand, Dick? It just ain't a proper fit for me. I feel like I've been out of my league since day one. And this job is hard work. It seems like I'm working, working, working all the time."
"Yes, Mr. President, it is a full-time job, but with all due respect, we've given you more vacation than anyone before you. And don't forget all the perks you get. You've got exciting co-workers. You get to work as part of a team. You're developing leadership skills. It's everything we promised you it would be."
"But you never told me about those press conferences, how all those reporters would be attacking like hound dogs. You'd think they'd want to know about the poem I wrote for Laura, or about how Barney likes to chase woodchucks on the ranch. But no. All they ask about is boring, complicated stuff, like Presidential Daily Briefings and Iraq exit plans."
"But Mr. President, America needs you."
"Oh, don't give me that crap, Dick. I watch TV as much as the next guy. I know there's plenty of Americans out there who think I don't care about poor people, who think I'm dangerous, who think I'm ignorant. That stuff gets hard to take after a while."
"But isn't it worth it, Mr. President? Think about the prestige. The travel opportunities. The free room and board. You've got to admit, this White House is one helluva nice crib."
"Yeah, but it's a little lean on the acreage. Sometimes I feel like I'm all cooped up here. Like they always say, you can take the boy out of the country, but you can't lead the horse-what's that they always say?"
"Sir, we've invested so much time and effort training you for this job. And you're getting better at it every day. You need to understand me, we believe in you."
"Oh come on now, Dick. You know as well as I do that you pretty much do my whole job anyway."
"Well yeah, but-.what else would you do, sir? It's not like you have that many marketable skills. And you know, the employment market is pretty tight lately. It's not like we've been creating jobs out there."
"For starters, I'd find me a job where I could wear my cowboy hat all the time-."
"Sir, if it'll help, we can let you wear it more-What's that you've got there?"
"It's my rèsumè. Check it out. I've been working on it all day. What do ya think?"
"Well-right off the bat, I see a few misspellings-."
"Don't worry about that. Laura says she's gonna look it over for me. She's a real good reader and a good speller."
"Mr. President, I can't believe you're talking this way. Have you discussed your plans with Condy and Don and Colin?"
"Nah, I don't want to make things awkward around here. I figure those guys will find out when I put in my two weeks' notice."
"Sir, you can't put in a two weeks' notice! You're President of the United States."
"Not for much longer, Dick. Not for much longer."
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
is an ER doctor from Minneapolis, MN who is desperately hoping for regime change on November 2, 2004.