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finger puppet eel


Sean Brijbasi

Why am I not the eel?

General Kamazaki's ankle itched. He was out of uniform and gulping cheap wine in the back alley of a Tokyo brothel. He can say all he wants that he was doing under cover work for the government but my name's not Andrew.

And there's a good reason for that.

Documents were recently uncovered in the basement of the archive building of the illustrious Brijbasi family. It seems that were it not for the intervention of a drunk uncle, yours truly would not have been named Sean and the world would be a far different place today. If my name were Andrew, I might have named General Kamazaki Rear Admiral Durdleworth and there is a high probability that a rear admiral would indeed be doing under cover work for the government. There is no logical reason for this but some things are better than logic and this happens to be one of them.

General Kamazaki was out whoring with his young leftenants.

Were I an Andrew, I would have spelled leftenants in the englishly acceptable way. I think that's proof that I am not an Andrew. The documents were handwritten by my mother and father and wrapped in a red ribbon. Don't be fooled. That's an Andrew thing.

It's a long walk to the hand of a full-figured waltzing woman.

General Kamazaki didn't handle his cheap wine well and it looked like he wouldn't get his snoke pipe chuffadeeduffadeed by those sweet little Japanese Matildas. His young leftenants worried that the General would meet ill will out in the back alley of the brollel.

Did you see that? If I were an Andrew I wouldn't have done that. It looks funny but since I am a Sean I like to think I know what I'm dooing.

But eels are a long, snaky fish that live in shallow coastal waters throughout the world. They slither along the water in between seaweed and rocks. They hatch from eggs and float along the ocean for as long as three years, eating plankton before they grow up to eat fish and crabs and other yummy seafood. Sometimes they swim unseen in dark, murky water while you eat ice cream.

Uhm, ill will in the back alley of the brollel because he had made many enemies during his time at officer's school and ruined many a career before a career got started.

There was colonel Aximoto, a once promising munitions officer who was passed over for promotion because

That's Andrew stuff.

A quick aside on the drunk uncle. He went by the codename Bull. Some people wondered why he wasn't a Roy. But there was only room for one Roy in the town where he grew up.

So General Kamazaki's ankle itched and he had to lean forward to scratch it and when he did raindrops fell into the crease of his pants and slid down his ass.

Rain only falls on windows at the house of Andrew.

Then his ass started to itch and he stood up and rubbed itt against a wall in the back alley. For some reason this turned the kinky but not too blinky bastard on and he managed to stumble to the back entrance of the Asian League Hall of Fame Museum. That was the name of the brollel.

It's important to tell you that other documents were (in the archives) uncovered that pertain to the weather over the Sargasso Sea on random dates of the first ten years of my life. These documents are of a nature of high mystery and it is possible that there were more (documents) that pertain to the weather over the sea that have yet to be found. And what more there may, in fact, be documents of regard that are of the utmost importance about the weather, being created as of this moment as I speak without my knowledge, only to be put into the archives to be looked upon and found later. The thought is a burden to me. It also weighs heavily on my mind. Not to mention that it is a burdensome weight that is a big thought. That is hard to carry.

The previous paragraph has been translated from the German.

One of the young leftenants opened the door for the general dot dot dot

Quickly. Due to certain restrictions placed on my academic vis I never found the time to finish my thesis on how certain types of schizophrenia are caused by the quantumtheory gene that is found in two to fifteen percent of the living population multiplied (times for arithmeticicians) by infinity.

If I've used the word finger, forgive me.

dot dot dot and the general stumbled into the brollel and up to a room with one of those Japanese Matildas and got his snoke pipe chipadeedippadeed. The generals little corporals found their way into the woman's succulent Japanese tea chamber and made her pregnant.

The woman, who I will call Jame, wandered the country until one day she stretched out on the side of a road and gave birth to a little baby boy. Odds were in my favor that the little baby boy would not be me, but there was always a chance.

One day Jame fed her little baby boy eel.

Look, a butterfly.


Sean Brijbasi's latest book Still Life in Motion has just been published by PretendGeniusPress. He currently serves as a contributing editor of, the ineffable home of filth and genius. You may find more disinformation on him here.

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