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How to Survive Nuclear Attack
Useful tips for surviving nuclear attack, dirty bombs, or suitcase nukes.

 
   
 
  American Hiroshima
Tsunami
Earthquake
Tornado
Hurricane
School Shooting
Volcano
Asteroid
Nuclear Winter
Bird Flu - Avian Influenza
Nuclear Attack
Honeybee Extinction
Wildfire
The Last Days



by





JESUS GAVE ME A BLOWJOB

in the front seat of my car.
It was a miracle.
He was beautiful.
I shot a load in his almighty beard.

Slipped my phone number
in his crown of thorns.
His head fit like latex gloves
between my legs.

"I'll call you later," he said.
I can tell he's not the type to forget faces.
He actually calls the next morning.

"Last night was great.
I want to see you again
over breakfast."

He asked how my day was
and if I got the green boots I wanted.
"If you need anything at all don't hesitate to call," he said.
This was very generous of Jesus.

He asked if my mother
was still being a pain in the ass and
if my father knows I'm happy,
healthy & making money.

He said, "I like men who love
to take it in the ass."
I found out he's been married

for twenty years.
A son in the army.
A daughter with a degree in Advertising,

& children of her own.
Calling him would be a mission impossible.
so I settled for head in the front seat
of a black Celica in the parking lot

of a shopping mall after closing.
The windows up,
the radio turned down like theLevis
around my ankles.

His tongue is a roller coaster
down the track
of my throat in a seedy hotel with HBO

& the Playboy channel.
Come on baby,
Give me some quarters

for the vibrating bed
that sits on olive green shag
carpet that smells like stale piss
owned by a fat,

over weight Mexican
whose English is jagged,
whose hands are tinged with
kerosene from the heater in his

bedroom from around the corner
from the lobby decorated
with a black and white 9 inch t.v.,

orange sofas & wallpaper coming
undone when the glue crack & bulk
falling to the floor.

Where the cock roaches are bigger
than my thumb, & rats live on lobster,
sleeping in queen sized beds.
He plans to leave his wife.

He wants to spend the rest of his life
feeding me grapes in bed
while we watch American Werewolf

in London for the sixth time.

Let's run away together
in your 64 Thunderbird
to Las Vegas

for a quicky wedding
where the justice
of the peace is an

Elvis impersonator.
Bible in one hand,
Fried peanut butter
& banana sandwich in the other.

He said,
"I can't leave my children.
My wife wants things like
it used to be."

Vacations to Busch Gardens
Romantic rendezvous'
toAspen.

Fake orgasms
in a heart shaped bed
of the honey moon suite,

plates of pot roast,
mouth stuffed with
strawberry short cake
on special occasions.

He calls me crying,
sniveling snot.
"I'm sorry, but I can't
see you anymore."

I'm cocooned on the black leather sofa,
knees pulled to chest
and hoping for more true love without its crown of thorns.


POEM FOR IAN YOUNG

Help Me. I'm a Gay Black Poet
Suffering in a Small Town.
I'm Twenty-Eight Yrs Old and Have Been
Writing Poetry Since I Was 6teen.
I Work in the Mailroom at the Local Law School Here,
But I'm Planning to Move to New York Soon
to Attend Grad School.
Some Say I'll Love it.
Others Say I Should Act Crazy on the Subway Trains to Survive,
to Keep the Urban Punks from Fucking with Me.
My Poet Friend in Manhattan says that's Bullshit
Cuz the Men Don't Get Fucked with as Much
as Women.
She Says I Should Always Smile at the Gay Boys on
Christopher Street.
I Hear I should Not Look at the Buildings that
Scrape the Sky or I could Get Robbed. You Should Know
I've Been Published in Over 6ty Magazines
that is Both Quality and Sometimes Off the Wall.
I Hear You're Working on a New Anthology of Gay Male Poetry
So I Figured I would send you some Poems Cuz I don't
Think the Hairy Ass Arms of the USA extend to Canada
& I was Afraid You wouldn't be Able to Reach Me from There.
My Cock is red, white & blue.
My Dick Tastes Like Cornbread and Turnip Greens.
I've Got Chicken Broth For Cum.
My Parents know That I'm into Men, but We Have Never
Talked About it. My Mama Said She Would Rather Be Dead than for Me to
Be a Fag.
Damn it, if Only I knew you Then. I needed Friends like You in High
school.
We Could have Skipped Class for Cheeseburgers, Greazy fries and Machine
Manufactured Milkshakes.
You Gotta Help Me.
They're Closing in and I Don't
Know how Long I'm Gonna Last in this Place.
I Can't Breath. I'm Covered in Blood.
These People Are Going to Burn me Alive.
They Want to Eat Me.
They Want to cut My Dick Off because of where I Stick it.
They're Gonna Cane My Black Ass if I don't Get Outta Here.
I don't Know How Much More I can Take.
Come to the U.S.
Catch a Bus going South where Alligators nibble at the Ankles of
Tourists,
where Hooter Girls have Breasts like Naval Oranges.
These People want to cut me a new Asshole.
They want to cut my Heart out and feed out to the Governor.
Sodomy is Illegal in Florida. Throw me a Lifeline.
I've Only Had a Few Outside Contacts with Other Gay Poets.
They're helping me to Cope until I Reach Safety, until I hit Solid
Ground.
You are My Only Hope. I Pray this Poem Finds You Safely.
They Tend to intercept my Mail and Read through My Deepest Thoughts.
They want to Implant Something in my Brain, the Bastards.
I've Got Sacred Sperm. They Want to Drink My Blood.
I Wake Up Screaming Ian as my Parents Nail My hands to
the Bedposts. They say, You Got the Devil in You Boy.
They Want to Fry My Internal Organs & Eat Me with Fries and Cole Slaw.
For Christ Sakes They Want me to Settle down with a Nice Girl
and Have Kids. Do Something cuz if you Don't, I could Be Dead
by Morning.


SHOW ME THE MAN WHO PINCHED YOUR ASS
for Brian

I'll go and beat 'em up for you.
Point him out to me and don't be
a chicken shit about it.
I have just the thing for guys
who like to grab the asses of real men.
He won't know what hit him when I knock
him over the head with a monkey wrench
as big as my arm.
I will throw his unconscious body
over my shoulder like a sack of potatoes
and plunge it into a chair where I will
duct tape his mouth, cover his bleeding
head with a black nickel bag until you give the word
to cut off those infamous hands.
Don't worry. Don't beat yourself up
over this shit. You handled things fine
considering the circumstances.
Leave it all to me.
I'm as loyal as a German Shepard.
He'll pay for what he's done.
I'll see to that.
I have attached battery cables
to his nipples.
I cut the brake line to his Continental.
I don't think anyone saw me.
He was foaming at the mouth when I left him this morning
locked hot and sweating in my basement like Bruce Willis
in Pulp Fiction.
Wait til you see what I do with the alcohol and razor blades.

Who does he think he is?
What's the meaning of this?
Doesn't this mother fucker know you don't get down like that?
I'll show him. I'll teach him
to keep his hands to himself.
I'll cut the bitche's balls off
and use them as earrings.
Just the thing to asentuate my eyes.
I'm gonna make him sorry he ever laid eyes on you.
Gonna teach that cocksucker a lesson.
When all is done, I'm gonna do
to him what he did to you
and so much more.


CHAOS ON CHARLIE ASH LANE

5 a.m.
5 a.m. they
5a.m. they busted
they busted
busted
5 a.m. they busted
through
they busted through the
5a.m. they busted through the door
& knocked
knocked
& knocked
& knocked my Mama
& knocked my
& knocked my Mama
out of the way
out of the way
& knocked my Mama out of the way
they busted through
they busted through the door
they busted through the door at 5a.m.
& knocked my Mama out of the way.
You don't
You don't mess
You don't mess with
You don't mess with the
You don't mess with the U.S Marshals
One of them said you don't mess with the U.S. Marshals
You don't mess with the U.S. Marshals one of them said
You don't mess with the U.S. Marshals
They searched
They searched through
They searched through the house
They searched through the house
Like sniffing dogs
Sniffing dogs they searched
Like sniffing dogs they searched
Through the house
Through the house like sniffing dogs
They searched
5 a.m. they busted down the door
& knocked my Mama out of the way
& searched through the house like sniffing dogs
& found
& found
they found
& they found
& found Daddy
in the living room
in the living room is where they found Daddy
they found him sitting in the living room my Daddy
5a.m. they busted down the door
knocking my Mama out of the way
searching through the house
like sniffing dogs and found
my Daddy sitting in the living room
get
get on
get on the
get on the floor they
get on the floor they said
get on the floor
get on the floor they said
they said to
they said to get on the floor
they told him
they told him to
they told him to get on the floor
get on the floor they said to him
to him they said to get on the floor
at 5 in the morning
at 5 in the morning after they busted open
busted open
the door knocking my Mama out of the way
searching the house
like sniffing dogs
like sniffing dogs searching the house
to find my Daddy in the living room
to find him in the living room
in the living room is where they found him
they
they told
they told him with
they told him with guns
they told him with guns in their hands
to get
to get on
to get on the floor
get on the floor
to get on the floor
they told him to get on the floor
get on the floor they told him
with their firearms pointed & loaded
with them firearms pointed & loaded at my Daddy's head
they had they guns pointed & loaded at the head of my Daddy
they had they Goddamned guns
they had they Goddamned guns
they had they Goddamned guns pointed & loaded at my Daddy's head
5 feet
5 feet away
5 feet away from my sleeping niece
5 feet away from where my niece was sleeping
where my niece was sleeping 5 feet away
they had they guns pointed & loaded
5 a.m. busted, knocked down, sniffing like dogs
he
he kissed
he kissed the floor
Daddy kissed the floor
Daddy kissed the floor as guns
as guns are pointed & loaded
as goddamned firearms are pointed and loaded
to my Daddy's head
to my daddy's head Goddamned guns are pointed & loaded
Ma screams
She screams
My Mama screams
Screams my Mama
OH DON'T SHOOT HIM
My Mama screams OH DON'T SHOOT HIM
OH DON'T SHOOT HIM my Mama screams
After being knocked aside
At 5a.m. she hollers
OH DON'T SHOOT HIM
DON'T SHOOT HIM
OH MY GOD DON'T SHOOT HIM
DON'T SHOOT HIM OH
MY GOD
DON'T SHOOT HIM
What are the charges
What are the charges my sister yells
My sister yells what are the charges
What are the charges
My sister yells what are the charges
They handcuff
They handcuff him and
They handcuffed him & took him away
Took him away
They put my Daddy in handcuffs and took him away
In handcuffs they put my Daddy in & took him away
5 a.m.
after busting open the door
searching sniffing searching
with guns pointed and loaded
loaded & pointed
guns loaded & pointed pointed & loaded
at my Daddy's head
his head, my Daddy's head
5 feet away from my sleeping little niece
5 feet away from where my sleeping little niece slept
where my little sleeping niece slept 5 feet away
my sister wanted to know what were the charges
the charges
what were the charges
the charges, what were they she, my sister, wanted to know
what were the charges
my Mama pleading DON'T SHOOT HIM
DON'T SHOOT HIM
OH MY GOD DON'T SHOOT HIM
SHOOT HIM DON'T
SHOOT HIM
SHOOT HIM DON'T
They took him, my daddy, away in handcuffs
My Daddy is the man they took away in handcuffs
In handcuffs they took him away
They took him away at 5 in the morning in handcuffs
They, the U.S. Marshals you don't mess with, took him away







ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Shane Allison is the author of four chapbooks of poetry. "Ceiling of Mirrors" (Cynic Press), "Black Fag" (Future Tense Books), "Cock and Balls" (Feel Free Press), and "I Want to Fuck a Redneck" is forthcoming from (Scintillating Press). He's been published in Best Black Gay Erotica and has work forthcoming in Ultimate Gay Erotica 2006. He is friends with poet Jarret Keene.




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