(* Please Note - The Most Holy Boble Is An Ongoing Series... If You're A First Time Reader, Click Here To Begin At Part I)


THE MOST HOLY BOBLE
Part V: “Bobble, Tower of”

Last Week on “The Boble”:

Last time on “The Boble”, the Duke boys had found themselves in a bit of a bind when Daisy finally admitted that she had . . . Hold on. Oh, yes. Sorry. It says here that the Earth was flooded, Nowaya survived and some other stuff happened.

   


Paco and his best slave, Frank, rode through the approaches of the pass, the great mountains towering before them. Frank was a mute slave, in the service of Paco because there were only three other people who weren’t slaves. There was Bill and his brother Sam and some other guy who kept pretty much to himself.

It was an odd arrangement. The world was finally dry, the last of the flood waters had receded some 500 years ago after a mumbled apology from BOB. The descendents of the ark hadn’t moved very far. For some forgotten reason, the bulk of Nowaya’s offspring had elected to enter a vow of silence. Some believed this was to better commune with BOB but, somewhere in the centuries since Nowaya, the mutes had let themselves be enslaved by a tiny handful of individuals who did not choose to be mute. Of those who did speak, Paco was the strongest. He called himself the “Lord of All You”. Frank would have suggested something like Emperor or Avatar of BOB, but that would mean breaking his vow of silence.

Paco was the first ruler to set the mute slaves to work. The Lord of All You had decided to build a giant tower, reaching as high as Bob Heavens (where there is great sausage). If Frank could speak, he would have mentioned that such a task was impossible. Sometimes Frank really did want to break that vow. Either way, the slaves welcomed the distraction.

Within the last few months, Paco had begun to act strange. Last week, the Lord of All You had carried on a very active conversation with a pillow. Some of the slaves had begun to worry. Now this . . . A sojourn into the mountains disguised as yet another hunt for the ark.

“Here,” Paco jumped off of his horse and walked towards two granite stones. Frank joined him.

“I will serve the great lord of darkness, the black mist, the despiser of life …” Paco muttered.

Frank shook his head sadly. The slaves had done their best to hide the cache of fantasy novels Nowaya had stored on the ark … but it was too little too late for some people.

Then something began to happen. A mist rose up from between the rocks and a figure began to materialize.

Paco grinned at Frank, “I know what you’re thinking. You’re probably right … But I really want to build this big tower. It’s a compulsion. Feel for me …


The figure told Paco what he must do so, on Tuesday, when Paco played chess with Bill and Sam, he finally explained his staggering idea. The tower would, indeed, reach Bob Heavens (where there is towering sausage). The tower would defy BOB himself. It was to be known as Bobble. The model was definitely phallic.

“I'm goin' to become as powerful as BOB!” he gibbered deliriously.

“Oh,” Bill said, unmoved as usual. He was drunk again.

“Aye!” Paco grinned maniacally.

“Oh.” Sam echoed his brother, concentrating on the next move. Sam was constantly fed up at having to carry Bill's weight. The drunken bastard was worthless, and Sam hated being the brains of the operation. In his disgust, he had lost track of all the pretty things in life and had become a sad man. But this story isn't about Sam, so there's no reason to talk about his problems.

With the plan out and in the clear, it was ready for the next phase. In utmost secrecy, the Lord of All You snuck off to the construction site to meet with the shadowy figure for final instructions. Paco’s secret benefactor came from the heart of darkness … Small and unimpressive, the figure moved awkwardly, its voice on the verge of cracking. The figure had thick glasses, dirty ears, and an aura of simple stupidity that would give away his identity to any observer. If you guessed that this figure was False Rob--the AntiBOB--then you win the grand prize. A night of sexual bondage with the Evil Bishop, eternal servant of False Rob and high school administrator.

Just kidding. Did that make you jump? Scared you, huh? Yeah.

In the late hours of the night, the construction site for the phallic tower was quiet and abandoned. This was the perfect meeting spot, safe from every possible spy. Paco had been thinking about the tower, quietly fingering his anus, when False Rob made his shady entrance.

“You will be a great man!” the Eternal Freshman cooed immediately. That kid sure knew how to get you going. “You shall achieve power that will make everyone else worship you!”

“Ah be wantin' Bill n Sam ta 'spect me, likesay.”

Rob squinted, “Drunk?”

“Yes.”

Rob shook his head and glanced around, “Just do what I say and go against that loser BOB. He's such a wimp, what could he do?”

As the years passed, the population around the tower grew. The people of Earth numbered in the millions now, forming a tremendous community that spoke the same language. Why shouldn't they? Anyone who spoke another language was routinely exterminated. Paco, standing high upon his ever-growing phallic tower, watched over his Empire with the eyes of a sex maniac. Indeed, Paco (under the ignominious influence of False Rob) was a known paedophile, a serial rapist, a sodomizer, and a member of the Church of SEH (“Spread 'Em Honey”). Even the Nazis were a little nervous when dealing with this guy. He was useful to keep the Vichy holdings in check, but his politics didn't quite agree with those back in--

I’m sorry. That’s something else …

Meanwhile, in Bob Heavens (where there is ethnically pure sausage), BOB was engrossed with other duties. Her name was Molly. She wasn't a redhead, which is a refreshing change for the female audience. Instead, she was a raven-haired beauty with a body that just wouldn't quit. BOB had dressed her up as a cyborg and given her a plasma cannon water pistol while he pretended to be a hard-as-nails cyborg hunter. Affecting a German accent, with his shirt unbuttoned and a plastic sword in one hand, he meandered through a vast obstacle course searching for his ‘prey’. When finally he found her, the climactic struggle would result in Molly's organs being shifted from the inside and the single most powerful orgasm she had ever known. Molly enjoyed such pleasures and often insisted that BOB name a sexual position after her. But this story isn’t about Molly, either, so we won’t talk about that position. Or the thing. . . the thing she does with her tongue. . . and…

BOB had just completed his seventh successful ‘kill’, and was reporting to his mothership via a wristwatch when finally he noticed something fishy going on. No, it wasn't a pepperminty redhead that had gone sour. The fishiness was, instead, the building of Paco's strange tower. Of course BOB knew all about it, but he had decided to let the old boy waste as much time as possible. He had figured that nothing would really come of the threat. However, in accordance with the Rules of Bobological Error, BOB had, once again, underestimated the ability of Mankind's evil. The tower was getting pretty tall and Paco was starting to become truly unhinged. BOB briefly wondered how his children could repeatedly act so stupid, and then he called for his eveningwear. Once prepared, he sauntered on down to the throne room of the tower where he encountered Paco.

“Excuse me,” BOB said politely, “are you aware of the zoning procedures in Bob Heavens (where there is great sausage)?” It was always best to start things off on a legal note. It made BOB look like he was in charge and aware of things. Indeed, BOB had neglected to invent zoning procedures when he created the cosmos. Such matters were in the hands of the lawyers, not BOB himself. BOB might have been the supreme deity, but he didn't have the time to dick around with semantics and details. At that moment, he remembered with a slight flinch that some dangerous maniacs spent their entire day waiting for all-powerful deities to walk up and act tough. BOB was about to call for backup when Paco interrupted him.

“Wha's this, then? I dinnae ken yir meanin'?” Paco was on his guard, running a hand over his shaved head and shifting uncomfortably in his steel-toed boots. His arms were stained with tattoos.

BOB cocked his head to the side, “I’m sorry. . . Are you drunk?”

“Yes.”

BOB blinked, and then took a slow breath. “Okay. So, anyway, what the hell do you think you’re doing?”

“He's building a tower to defy you!” said a pre-pubescent voice from betwixt BOB's legs.

BOB, admittedly startled, leapt back and nearly fell over the diminutive frame of False Rob. The great BOB clutched his chest and sighed heavily. “Man, I thought my balls were talkin'.”

“No!” screeched False Rob, racing out to stand awkwardly next to a wary Paco, “it was me all along!”

“What was?”

“Your balls. . . talking. . . I. . . uh. . .” Rob grew a little pale, his voice trailing off.

BOB shook his head sadly. He glanced around and then addressed the Eternal Freshman. “I try to presciently know the answer to every question I ask. This will be an exception. What the fuck are you doing?”

“As I said,Bobby. This tower is to defy you! To show that I rule over Mankind and they regard you only as a representation of their fears of death and uncertainty.” Rob adjusted his oversized glasses.

“I think I’m a happy god.” BOB muttered, pouting.

Rob looked guilty.

“Shouldn't you be in school, anyway?”

Rob ground his teeth then shook gangly arms at his arch-nemesis. “Enough is enough, you fool! Look at these people! Look at my success.” He raised his arms to the vaulted ceiling, and shouted to the heavens (his braces glinting in the torchlight), “I am huge!”

“All right, all right.” BOB smiled, waving a dismissive hand at the Eternal Freshman and looking at Paco. “A tower to defy me?”

“Yeah!” said the snotty freshman, “and I'm helping him.”

“I didn't know that puberty-inspired dementia could actually help.” BOB murmured, turning his ever so incredibly cool gaze back to Rob. The Eternal Freshman cringed visibly and, for the first time, Paco noticed Rob's over-stuffed backpack and the thick glasses with the tape around the frame. The Lord of All You caught a glimpse of Fruit of The Loom underwear sticking out from Rob’s dirty jeans. A slight, fluttering awareness flashed in Paco's eyes, especially when he saw the ‘Starfleet Academy’ bumper sticker sloppily affixed to Rob's backpack. Paco ordered Frank to clear a path of escape and acquire passage to Argentina, just in case.

False Rob, angered by the snide comment (once he figured it out), waved a finger at BOB. He had a point to make, but was a little too flustered to get it across.

BOB made a funny face in reply. “I think that I'll just do. . . this!” He snapped his fingers and a moment of silence followed. “Well, Rob,” BOB finally said, “have fun getting out of this one.”

“Uh,” Paco began to say, but it was too late. BOB and Rob vanished. Only a few minutes after they left, the tower began to collapse. By the time the catastro-phe was over, everyone had been scattered across the globe. This happened so fast that it can't even be written about. Like a nuclear explosion: burst of light here, disintegration there, screaming slaves everywhere. In the end, the scattered peoples all developed new cultures. As punishment, BOB saw to it that all those scattered peoples took on different appearanc-es. -No group spoke the same language, and thus were Nations formed. Then someone thought that someone else was a barbarian because that someone had no word in his language for ‘willing vagina’, and thus war was created.

So everyone had lots of kids.

Next time on “The Boble”: We’ve got the Father of the Hebo’s in the house! There’s kinky sex, violence, even more slavery and a whole lot of rocky desert.


Andrew Gifford



   

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