![\"adamgraupe\"](\"https:\/\/www.3ammagazine.com\/3am\/\/wp-content\/uploads\/2009\/07\/adamgraupe-300x274.jpg\")
<\/p>\nBy Adam Graupe.<\/p>\n
Since I was six years old, I have preferred to be alone and managed throughout my youth to keep most people away from me. At age 36, I sat in a conference room next to a 180-pound wood tick. He whispered to me, \u201cDid you notice the wrinkles under Daisy’s eyes? She looks like an old whore.” <\/p>\n
Daisy had walked out to retrieve some files. She returned and the wood tick acted friendly and charming toward her. <\/p>\n
The day ended and the wood tick asked me for my cell number in case he needed to get in touch with me for our presentation next month. I drove home and my cell rang. I looked down, didn’t recognize the number but answered. It was the wood tick. He talked incessantly asking me questions about the project we had to do and about our company. I didn’t think much of it as he was a new employee. He talked on and I pulled in the driveway and said I had to go. He sounded annoyed but said goodbye. <\/p>\n
I awoke Saturday morning to my cell buzzing on the nightstand. I picked up the cell and there was a flashing envelope icon on the screen. \u201cWhat the hell?” I thought. I never received a text message before and my wife had to show me how retrieve the message: \u201cStanding in line at Starbucks waiting for a latte.” I thought the message was a mistake.<\/p>\n
I returned to work Monday morning and the wood tick shouted, \u201cThanks for not returning my text message!” I felt taken aback and didn’t say a word. Seven hours later, I steered my sedan home. My cell rang. I answered, the wood tick said, \u201cHow are you?” He talked on for an hour and I couldn’t end the call because I didn’t want to hurt his feelings. <\/p>\n
Our presentation date passed and we divided into new workgroups. I thought this was the end of the wood tick. We would pass in a hallway and if there were others around he would act like I wasn’t there but if we were alone he would say hello. He called me on my commutes to complain about coworkers and texted me up to a dozen times a day about the most inane things: \u201cGrapefruit’s on sale at Corby’s.” I’d come home from work exhausted and my wife would ask what was wrong and I’d explain the wood tick had sucked the life out of me. <\/p>\n
One time in a meeting, I said hello to him and he said nothing. On my way home that day he called me and started complaining about work. I said, \u201cPlease, stop calling me I can’t take this anymore.” He screamed, \u201cYou’re crazy!” The phone went dead. <\/p>\n
Next morning I walked into the office and I overheard the wood tick complaining about someone, and I heard my name and realized he was talking about me and how crazy I was and didn’t do my share of work etc. I walked into the room and he said, \u201cHi Ernie,” as if he were talking to a mental patient. I thought, \u201cWell, fine, at least he will stop calling me every day.”<\/p>\n
That night I drove home and my cell rang. It was the wood tick, and I thought he was calling to apologize. I answered and he started babbling as if nothing had happened. I hung up on him, pulled my sedan to the shoulder, and typed a message: \u201cLEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE DON’T EVER CONTACT ME AGAIN.” I clicked send.<\/p>\n
I’ve always been inept at technology. Somehow, I sent that message to everyone in the phonebook of my cell. My wife, boss, mother, grandmother, boss’s boss, coworkers, relatives and friends all received my text. I had to make numerous apologies and explanations to everyone but the wood tick. He sent a text instantly: \u201cYOU ARE FINALLY SHOWING A SENSE OF HUMOR.” <\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
![\"adamgraup\"](\"https:\/\/www.3ammagazine.com\/3am\/\/wp-content\/uploads\/2009\/08\/adamgraupe-150x150.jpg\")
The day ended and the wood tick asked me for my cell number in case he needed to get in touch with me for our presentation next month. I drove home and my cell rang. I looked down, didn’t recognize the number but answered. It was the wood tick. He talked incessantly asking me questions about the project we had to do and about our company. I didn’t think much of it as he was a new employee. He talked on and I pulled in the driveway and said I had to go. He sounded annoyed but said goodbye. <\/p>\n