![\"\"](\"https:\/\/www.3ammagazine.com\/3am\/\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/12\/im_too_sad_to_tell_youaderfull-1.jpg\" "\\"im_too_sad_to_tell_youaderfull-1\\"")
<\/a><\/p>\nSometimes, journalists call me and beg me to tell them about Bas Jan Ader. I’ve always told them it’s too sad to talk about, but as time has passed, they’ve become more persistent, so I’ve decided to tell you about I’m Too Sad to Tell You. <\/em>But this is the last time.<\/p>\n *<\/p>\n I studied with Bas Jan in Los Angeles. One day he invited me to his studio. He arrived as I did, camera in hand, and led me inside. He handed me the camera, stood against the wall and started weeping. I turned on the camera and made the lens stare at him.<\/p>\n After three minutes and twenty-two seconds, the 16mm film ran out. Immediately, the tears stopped, the last one leaving his cheek the moment the film finished.<\/p>\n I put the cap back on the lens and turned to leave. He tapped me on the shoulder, then led me to a caf \u00e9, bought me coffee and sat down.<\/p>\n \u201cDid you walk here?” he asked. I nodded. \u201cYou saw anti-war protesters everywhere, yes?”<\/p>\n I nodded again.<\/p>\n \u201cWhy?”<\/p>\n \u201cWell \u2026 they believe America has no right to be in Vietnam,” I replied. \u201cAnd they’re angry about the senseless loss of life.”<\/p>\n \u201cYou’ve read the papers,” said Bas Jan. \u201cThey’ve misunderstood \u2013 perhaps deliberately. The war stimulates their anger, but it doesn’t generate it. Intellectually, those protestors think the war is wrong, yes; but their protest provides an outlet for emotions that they aren’t allowed to express. The fundamental emotion is sadness \u2013 the most painful feeling, and the hardest to comprehend. People feel angry because they can’t understand their sadness \u2013 the way society shuns those who make it explicit means they have to repress it, and it becomes anger.”<\/p>\n \u201cSo why isn’t everyone out protesting?”<\/p>\n \u201cBecause people act on their anger in different ways. Some people protest against wars; some make them. Some don’t express the anger at all \u2013 they feel they’re not allowed to express anger any more than sadness \u2013 and they become depressed. That’s why we’ve made this film.”<\/p>\n \u201cWon’t it make people more depressed?”<\/p>\n \u201cNo. It will make people reconnect with the raw emotion they repressed as they became adults, and force them to confront it.”<\/p>\n \u201cWhy not challenge them with happiness?” I said. \u201cThe happiness we all felt in our childhood.”<\/p>\n \u201cThe happiness we claim to remember <\/em>from our childhoods,” he replied. \u201cI think that before people can even contemplate happiness, they have to understand their sadness.”<\/p>\n \u201cPeople will say the film is too much for them.”<\/p>\n \u201cThey will become ready.”<\/p>\n \u201cYou think you’re Christ.”<\/p>\n \u201cI’m not dying for anyone!” he declared. \u201cI just make films.”<\/p>\n \u201cHow will people know you’re not faking it?”<\/p>\n Bas Jan stood, without looking at me, took his camera and left. I didn’t call him: I heard nothing from him for several years, until I heard that I’m Too Sad to Tell You<\/em> was screening in Los Angeles. Bas Jan’s handwritten title flashed silently across the frame, then for the next three minutes and twenty-two seconds, his head rolled in genuine anguish, tears streaming down his cheeks.<\/p>\n I felt a tap on my shoulder.<\/p>\n \u201cYou’re crying,” said Bas Jan.<\/p>\n \u201cYou made me.”<\/p>\n \u201cMy next work will make you happy,” he said. \u201cCome to my studio tomorrow.”<\/p>\n *<\/p>\n His door was open when I arrived.<\/p>\n \u201cYou inspired me this,” said Bas Jan as I cast my eyes upon the boat that dominated the tiny studio. \u201cThis is the Ocean Wave. <\/em>It’s the only tangible part of my next project, In Search of the Miraculous. <\/em>You think it’s very small. It is \u2013 only 13ft. When I sail from Massachusetts to Falmouth in England, it will become the smallest craft ever to cross the Atlantic.”<\/p>\n \u201cThat’s insane!”<\/p>\n \u201cThe project will hopefully contain elements of what some consider insanity. The mental voyage is far more important than the physical one. Amidst the calmness of the ocean, without any distractions, my mind shall be focused purely on attacking the roots of human sadness, until it can only collapse and give way to pure happiness.”<\/p>\n \u201cHow do you propose to do that?”<\/p>\n \u201cBy focusing upon nothing else, until I’ve found the answer,” he said. \u201cThe journey I record in my logbooks shall be purely psychological. When I return to land, I shall publish them. They will show the way.”<\/p>\n \u201cYou imagine yourself finding a universal formula for endless happiness?”<\/p>\n \u201cOf course not! I hope to find happiness for myself, within myself. It’s up to other people whether or not they follow my example.”<\/p>\n \u201cIt’s too much for you. You’ll go mad.”<\/p>\n \u201cThis is an experiment. If I fail, I fail.”<\/p>\n You think you’re Christ, <\/em>I thought, but I didn’t repeat myself. I shook his hand, wished him luck and walked away.<\/p>\n *<\/p>\n The telegram arrived as I was alone in my flat, half-watching a family strive to win thousands of dollars on a quiz show.<\/p>\n EMOTIONAL PATTERNS ESTABLISHED BEFORE CONSCIOUS MEMORY STOP SO THE FIRST STEP IS THE ONLY STEP STOP ACCEPTANCE OF SADNESS IS VICTORY OVER SADNESS STOP HUMANS LOOK FOR HAPPINESS WHEN THEY SHOULD BE SEEKING CONTENTMENT STOP THE MIRACULOUS HAS BEEN FOUND AND THE SEARCH CAN STOP<\/p>\n The Ocean Wave <\/em>was found drifting off the coast of Ireland, nine months and two weeks after I received the telegram. They never found Bas Jan Ader, or his notebooks. When I heard, I sent a copy of the telegram to several national newspapers, all of which said that Bas Jan was not famous enough for them to publish it, especially as its content might upset emotionally fragile readers. Since then, I had kept it in a box with the paintings I have been unable to sell, and it’s too sad to show it to anyone.<\/p>\n ABOUT THE AUTHOR<\/strong> “I studied with Bas Jan in Los Angeles. One day he invited me to his studio. He arrived as I did, camera in hand, and led me inside. He handed me the camera, stood against the wall and started weeping. I turned on the camera and made the lens stare at him.<\/p>\n After three minutes and twenty-two seconds, the 16mm film ran out. Immediately, the tears stopped, the last one leaving his cheek the moment the film finished.”<\/p>\n New fiction by Juliet Jacques<\/strong>.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":119,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"ngg_post_thumbnail":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[5],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-71301","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-fiction"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.3ammagazine.com\/3am\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/71301","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.3ammagazine.com\/3am\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.3ammagazine.com\/3am\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.3ammagazine.com\/3am\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/119"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.3ammagazine.com\/3am\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=71301"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.3ammagazine.com\/3am\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/71301\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.3ammagazine.com\/3am\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=71301"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.3ammagazine.com\/3am\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=71301"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.3ammagazine.com\/3am\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=71301"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}
\nJuliet Jacques<\/a> is currently turning her Transgender Journey blog about gender reassignment, published by \u00a0The Guardian<\/em> \u00a0in 2010-12, into a book for Verso. She writes regularly for \u00a0the New Statesman<\/em>, and her journalism and short fiction has appeared in various other publications. This story is inspired by the life and work of Bas Jan Ader<\/a>.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"![](\"https:\/\/www.3ammagazine.com\/3am\/\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/12\/im_too_sad_to_tell_you_thumb.jpg\")
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