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Gay For Johnny Depp

By Ben Myers.

Dear Johnny Depp,

I hope this finds you well. It’s me, Brad, your greatest fan writing you again to say hello.

Well, it’s been a crazy, crazy few weeks. I guess the big thing is I finally made it out east to New York. Boy, that place sure is insane. The journey there was a trip. It took over two days on Greyhound bus to get there. Sleeping and eating was impossible so the only way to get through it was nibble on a little baggie of meth, listen to bootlegs of your band ‘P’(man, you guys were under-rated – get the band back together, dude!) and jerk off a bunch of times.

Fortunately it turns out that most people who travel on Greyhounds are deviants so I got some help. I jerked off a couple of guys at once in the cubicle, which was a tight squeeze, but we managed and I had them cum on my face and in my ear, and I also got fucked in the ass by a real-life genuine native American Indian who had all this long ratty hair, real gnarly, a little like yours in ‘Pirates Of The Caribbean’, on the back seat at about 5am somewhere near Pensacola. His dick was big, but not too big and I was grateful for the distraction. Also, he never said a word to me, except for when he came he whispered “Krispy Kreme” in my ear, which was weird, but not that weird I guess. I don’t know, maybe it is weird. Or maybe it’s a cultural thing. This being my first trip outside of Lubbock, Texas I couldn’t really say.

So anyway, when I finally arrived in NYC I felt like Dorothy in ‘The Wizard Of Oz’, only instead of Toto I had a bag containing meth, weed and some lube. A quick bit of glory hole dick-sucking in Port Authority (where I tasted my first black cock – a lot like white cock) and I was on my way. I found a bar and got a little drunk on beer. I guess maybe I got spiked or something, because the next thing I remember is waking up in some street with my asshole itchy and bleeding, but with more money in my pocket than I started. Weird, huh? Hey, maybe people in New York aren’t as bad as they say. I sat there smoking a cigarette and the street signs told me I was in Brooklyn. Crazy.

I came to this other bar with posters in the window advertising a band that playing there and they were called – this is so weird – ‘GAY FOR JOHNNY DEPP’!!! It was like a sign from God or something so I paid the $5 fee and went in.

Inside there were all these kids jumping around with no shirts on, and just looking at all those writhing torsos got me so hot I just had to gorge myself on a nice greasy crank, which I did in the toilets. It was attached to some punker kid in a Fallout Boy T-shirt – hot! After he came in mouth he called me a fag and punched me in the face, which was also hot. His cum tasted like Dr. Pepper, so he was probably straight edge. Back in the bar I got a proper look at ‘GAY FOR JOHNNY DEPP’, who were actually four guys with guitars and shit, each of them pretty hot in their own way, though not as hot you, Johnny. Sometimes I can cum just looking pictures of you, Johnny. I don’t even have to touch my dick.

Anyways. The more songs they played, the wilder the crowd got. When the singer guy took off of most of his clothes and jumped into the crowd I tried to get my tongue up his ass but he was too quick for me. They’re a really fierce band though and I’d happily blow them all for free. I guess I’d describe them as ‘hardcore’ and I bought a copy of their debut full-length CD ‘THE POLITICS OF CRUELTY’ on the way out.

Afterwards reeling out into the street, drunk and high, I bumped into a squadron of marines just back from Iraq, who took me back to their YMCA and took turns rimming, fucking and bashing me. At one point two of them tried to get both their dicks in my ass at once, while another skull-fucked me, and I jerked off two more. A sixth guy just stood there, drinking a can of Bud and filming it.

The weird thing was I hadn’t been to the bath-room all day – apart from to suck dick – so a couple of them ended up with all this runny shit on their cocks, which they weren’t pleased about, so they made me lick it off while they made out with each other. I guess this went on for about four hours, until I was covered in bruises and crusted US military jizzum which fell off me like snowflakes when I finally limped out into the dawn light feeling tired but pretty good. After a big breakfast at a Denny’s I had a little more meth, took a cab back to the station, blew the driver in some side-street, had a couple more cocks in the toilets then got on the bus for an uneventful 48 hour trip back, the boredom punctuated only by a few bouts of mutual masturbation with this guy and his son and eating the ass of a truck driver at a station somewhere in Tennessee. I belched cum and asshole all the way home.

I don’t know what happened to that CD I bought.

Anyway, that’s all for now, Johnny. I enclose a pair of my jockeys and some more Polaroid pictures of my dick and spread ass cheeks. Good luck with your next movie. Write me sometime.

Your friend,


Gay For Johnny Depp’s debut album The Politics Of Cruelty is released November 5 2007 on Ben MyersCaptains Of Industry label. Their UK tour starts November 8.

First published in 3:AM Magazine: Saturday, September 8th, 2007.