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Japanese Children with Digital Cameras in a Field

By Tao Lin and Ellen Kennedy.

1.

In 1956 the Japanese government create an organization to study ‘Japanese children with digital cameras in a field.’

Five Japanese men are recruited from the top universities in Japan for the organization.

The organization is code-named ‘Italia.’

The five men are code-named ‘Gigantor,’ ‘Mimi,’ ‘Lulu,’ ‘Energy Man,’ and ‘Taiwan.’

They meet in a secret underground studio apartment.

The studio apartment has a refrigerator with two hundred energy drinks in it, a playpen

with sixteen Japanese babies in it, and five supercomputers with five rolling chairs in front of them.

‘Gigantor,’ ‘Mimi,’ ‘Lulu,’ ‘Energy Man,’ and ‘Taiwan’ sit at the five supercomputers

typing with their right hands while holding energy drinks with their left hands

which they had earlier calculated to be the most efficient way to conduct research.

2.

‘Energy Man’ can’t stop grinning.

He is thinking of his name.

‘Energy Man.’

He thinks it is a sexy name.

He looks over at ‘Lulu’ and grins.

‘Lulu’ notices that he is looking at her and turns her head back towards her computer screen with indifference.

‘Energy Man’ has been defeated.

3.

‘Lulu’ stands and walks to ‘Gigantor’ and drops a note in her lap.

‘Gigantor’ reads the the note which says ‘meet me in the bathroom xoxo.’

‘Lulu’ and ‘Gigantor’ meet in the bathroom.

‘Gigantor’ touches ‘Lulu’ in the crotch.

‘Lulu’ says ‘that’s it; that’s right.’

‘Gigantor’ moves closer to ‘Lulu’ and they gyrate against one another while both saying ‘that’s it; that’s right.’

‘Lulu’ and ‘Gigantor’ are both female but dressed as males because they are feminists.

‘Taiwan’ walks in the bathroom and sees ‘Lulu’ and ‘Gigantor’ saying in low, sexy voices ‘that’s it; that’s right’ while undulating against one another like giant sea anemone.

4.

‘Taiwan’ is a man dressed as a woman dressed as a man.

He feels excited when he sees that ‘Lulu’ and ‘Gigantor’ are females.

He takes off his clothes and is female.

He takes off his clothes again is male.

He looks at them and grins like they are all going to bond now.

‘Lulu’ and ‘Gigantor’ just stare down at the ground.

‘Taiwan’ gets dressed quickly and leaves.

5.

‘Taiwan’ goes to feed the sixteen Japanese babies in the playpen.

He carries sixteen baby bento boxes and enters the playpen.

The babies claw at ‘Taiwan’ and bite ‘Taiwan.’

‘Taiwan’ falls down and the babies begin to crawl over him.

‘Taiwan’ screams.

‘Gigantor,’ ‘Lulu,’ ‘Mimi,’ and ‘Energy Man’ are all in the restroom having a gay lesbian bisexual transvestite orgy.

The babies are in a baby pile and then they crawl away in different directions.

There is one adult Japanese skull.

6.

‘Gigantor,’ ‘Lulu,’ ‘Mimi,’ and ‘Energy Man’ return from their gay lesbian bisexual transvestite orgy.

The Prime Minister of Japan is in their underground studio apartment.

He tells them about the incident with ‘Taiwan.’

He looks at ‘Gigantor.’

‘Gigantor’ begins to sweat profusely and shakes and then yells ‘I’m not gay!’

‘Gigantor’ runs outside and then runs across the street while screaming in agony.

‘Gigantor’ gets hit by a 2 foot by 1 foot electric-powered vehicle.

The Prime Minister of Japan thinks of something professional to do.

He clasps his hands together and says ‘okay!’ and then leaves.

7.

Ten years later ‘Lulu,’ ‘Mimi,’ ‘Energy Man’ and the sixteen babies are having a giant orgy in the glow of fluorescent purple lights.

The underground studio apartment has fluorescent purple lights on the walls that say ‘sex lair.’

In his office The Prime Minister of Japan looks at his to-do list and sees ‘check progress of Japanese digital camera children field.’

He walks to his closet and sees eighteen lobstersuits.

He puts on a green lobstersuit and makes poses in the wall mirror.

He puts on a red lobstersuit and calls his secretary.

He says to the secretary ‘watch this’ and crawls on the floor across his office while making lobster noises and pinching his claws in the air.

8.

He walks back to his mirror and grins at himself alone.

He calls his secret service to bring a limo to the front of his office and escort him to it.

The Prime Minister says ‘take me to Walmart.’

The Prime Minister thinks about stealing sixteen digital cameras by walking out with them in a lobstersuit.

He walks into Walmart, smashes the glass case with the digital cameras in it, takes sixteen out, walks to the door, and walks back to the limo.

No one sees anything.

He thinks ‘victory in Japan.’

9.

The Prime Minister looks at his to-do list and sees ‘check progress of Japanese digital camera children field.’

He draws a line over that and looks at the next item and sees ‘start new governmental organization.’

In his office The Prime Minister has an expression of intense concentration.

After ten minutes The Prime Minister writes on a notepad ‘organization to help

depressed Japanese businessmen commit suicide by going into a stadium where there is just one giant genetically-modified avocado continuously rolling around crushing people.’

He touches his crotch a little.

A single tear comes out of his left eye and goes a down his cheek a little then stops.

10.

The Prime Minister opens up the left drawer of his desk.

Inside is a handgun.

He opens up the right drawer of his desk.

Inside is a bottle of taurine dietary supplements and a regular Nintendo, Duck Hunt.

He picks the right drawer.

He plugs in the regular Nintendo, takes six taurine pills, and beats Duck Hunt in fifteen minutes.

After the taurine-induced-Nintendo-rampage The Prime Minister feels empty.

He throws the taurine pills against the wall and looks at the left drawer.

11.

The Prime Minister takes the handgun and tapes it to the side of his head so that it points forward by his eye.

He opens another drawer and takes another handgun and tapes it to the other side of his head.

The Prime Minister walks outside into his limo and says ‘drive to China.’

The limo driver drives to the ocean and then drives into the ocean.

The limo drives on the bottom of the ocean for three miles and then drops into a 10,000 foot deep trench in the Okhotsk Sea.

Halfway down the limo hits a 2000 pound jewfish.

The jewfish turns upside-down and slowly floats to the top of the Okhotsk Sea.

12.

The jewfish floats to the shore of the Okhotsk Sea.

A small arm holding a digital camera punches through the belly of the jewfish.

The belly splits open and a small Japanese boy holding a digital camera climbs out.

Another small Japanese boy climbs out.

Fifty Japanese children holding digital cameras climb out of the jewfish.

The Japanese children walk across the beach and into a field.

Fifty Japanese children holding digital cameras are standing in a field.

13.

Thirty minutes later fifty Japanese children holding digital cameras are having an orgy in a field.

After ten minutes a Japanese child leaves the orgy and walks fifteen feet away and takes a digital photograph of the orgy and re-enters the orgy.

After one hour it is night and the field is dark.

A Japanese child leaves the orgy and walks fifteen feet away from the orgy and takes a digital photograph of the orgy with flash.

The Japanese children leave the orgy in steady and continuous rotation to take flash photography so that the orgy is always bright.

There is a bright pile of Japanese children orgy in a field.

ABOUT THE AUTHORS
Tao Lin and Ellen Kennedy
are the proprietors of Ass Hi Books.

First published in 3:AM Magazine: Thursday, September 4th, 2008.