FETISH ALPHABET VI: F IS FOR FORNIPHILIA
"She said out loud, 'I am a lamp'. She didn't really want to be a lamp, though. She wanted to be a human being. That was the problem."
by Susannah Breslin
COPYRIGHT © 2002, 3 A.M. MAGAZINE. ALL RIGHTS
She was standing in the corner. She had a lampshade on her head. The lampshade was making her head sweat. I am a lamp, she told herself. She was standing in the corner with her arms straight down at her sides and a lampshade on her head, waiting for her husband to come home. Her husband wanted her to be a lamp. Her husband was great. But he wanted his wife to be different pieces of furniture, depending on the day of the week. That was hard. For her. It turned him on. She said out loud, "I am a lamp". She didn't really want to be a lamp, though. She wanted to be a human being. That was the problem. A lamp, she told herself. I am a lamp, she thought again. Who knew what she would be tomorrow? Maybe she would become an armchair. An armchair is better than a lamp, she told herself. But then it occurred to her that being an armchair would probably require her to bend both of her legs all the way back over her head so that her butt would become the seat. And that wouldn't be comfortable. At all. Then god only knew what would happen if her husband wanted to sit down on top of her at his desk to do some work that he had brought home from the office. Probably, she would break. A broken armchair. She heard her husband's key as it began to turn in the lock of their front door. She thought to herself, At this rate, I will end up as a bike rack. Day in and day out, she imagined in her mind's eye for herself, she would ride around on the back of her husband's car. In the wind. In the rain. In the snow. It would never end. The tall dark outline of her husband stepped into the room. I am a lamp, she told herself underneath the lampshade. That was what her husband wanted. She turned herself on.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
is a freelance writer based in Los Angeles. Her articles have appeared in Salon.com, Harper's Bazaar, Details
and the LA Weekly
among others, and her visage has appeared on programs ranging from Politically Incorrect to CNN. Currently, she is writing a novel, Reverse Cowgirl, which is "a surrealized account of her many journalistic adventures through Porn Valley, USA". Read Susannah's The Reverse Cowgirl's Blog