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THE MOST HOLY BOBLE
translated from the original languages with critical use of mind-altering devices by:

The High Prophet Werdna
and
The Bobologists and Bobologians
of
The First Church of God BOB Scientist

Translators' Note: The Boble is a work intended to bring the word of BOB into daily life and to challenge organized religion. The difficulty you may find when reading this work may be due to a personal problem that we are unable to address. Take two prozac and call us when you wake up. Other translation problems may stem directly from the inability to comprehend the dead language with which portions of this Boble were originally written. We, at the First Church, only know three foreign phrases: `Where is the bathroom?' in Cantonese; `Surrender your tank!' in Russian; and `Unidentified plane, you are in a no-fly zone!' in Arabic. Therefore, when approached with the ancient languages of the Bobological scrolls, we were in a quandary. In order to meet our deadline, we fudged a little bit on the content and created many of the episodes contained herein based on the psychic impressions received by Brenda at The Psychic Connection.” Then we smacked her around when she threatened to charge us extra. Well, that’s what we said we would do before she chased us away with an iron pipe.

* * * *


The Boble is a work based on fact. However, the incidents, characters, and circumstances have all been changed to protect the innocent.

Copyright (c) 1993, 1998, und eins mehr in Y2K by Andrew Gifford

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means without the permission of the author. Failure to honour this request will earn you great disfavour when the revolution comes.
No animals were harmed during the editing of this Boble.

Published by Purple Publications U.S. Contact: janus_808@hotmail.com




PREFACE


From “Archeological Adventures with Doctor Aquarius: Nazi Sympathiser” printed in Girl’s Hopscotch Quarterly

In 1988, a holy artifact was uncovered in Judea by Doctor Herman ‘The Hedgehog’ Aquarius Ph.D. (a roving archeologist/gynecologist). Doctor Aquarius was a renowned expert on the occult and was hired by Argentina-based Nazi’s to locate the fabled Lazy Susan that was present during Christ’s alleged ‘Last Supper’. Doctor Aquarius’ search for the Lazy Susan led him into tombs that had been untouched for two millennia. It was there that he found evidence that would, ultimately, tear the Christian world apart. He recovered an artifiact that, along with subsequent discoveries, shed light on a religion that had led to the creation of Christianity.

Rusty and decayed, the artifact was pieced together by French people claiming to be scientists who pieced things together. It turned out to be a large paperclip, and Doctor Aquarius believed that it was used to hold stone tablets together. Through various, incomprehensible dating techniques, the paperclip was traced back to 2000 BC. Doctor Aquarius had discovered one of the three Lost Paperclips of BOB, hidden in a tomb for nearly four thousand years and used to fasten the tablets upon which were enscribed the Seventeen and a Half Commandments - the foundation for the Bobological world.

Scientists swarmed over the site that Doctor Aquarius had found. They worked night and day excavating the tomb and discovered a number of scrolls. Translated, the scrolls told a tale similar to the Christian Bible. We learned of a God whose name was BOB. A God that was both studly and cool. Related documents told us of the rise of Bobism - put down by Christian monks wielding poultry (at least, that's what it looked like in the pictographs). We learned of the Hebo tribe and Bob Jr. - the son of BOB - as well as the Three Holy Paperclips, the purple-reflective sunglasses, the green boots of Bobette, and hundreds of other fun facts. The scientists also found a bag of amusing party favors that were all quickly broken.

Sadly, Doctor Aquarius was killed in a flashfire while crawling down his chimney. But, in his memory, all copies of the Boble have been dedicated to him: WE DEDICATE THIS TO DR HEDGEHOG AQUARIUS...AND...YEAH

Jewish automobiles have, sadly, destroyed the ‘Kilroy-wuz-here’ drawings on the tomb where these precious documents were discovered. We ask you to boycott anything Jewish with four wheels. Thank you.

* * *

Previous Editions of The Boble
The Original Manuscripts: 1988
The Family Fun Boble: 1989
The Boble! In Anarchistic Red: 1990
The Boble! In Intellectual Black: 1990
The Most Holy Boble (First Edition): 1991
The Most Holy Boble (Second Edition): 1993
The Most Holy Boble with New Testicle (First Revised Edition): 1993
The Most Holy Boble (Second Revised Edition): 1997
The Most Holy Boble (Modern Era Comet Catastrophe Edition): 1998
Modern Era Comet Catastrophe: Special Y2K Edition: 2000



“Because BOB is Hooked on Phonics!”



THE BOBLE
(In Technicolor!)

THE OLD TESTICLE
GENESIS
“AN ACCOUNT OF THE BEGINNING OF ALL UNDER BOB”



In the beginning, there was BOB and Bob Heavens (where there is great sausage). But it was dark and BOB kept bumping into things, so he said: “Let there be light!” And there was light! BOB saw that this was a good thing, even if he did say so himself. But at night BOB still bumped into things, so he said: “Let there be moon and stars and psychedelic black light!” And there was! Thus passed the First Day and began the First Night where BOB attempted to set up a discotheque, thought better of the idea, and just went out for some ice cream.


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