By David Sheskin.
By virtue of reading this message you have become a participant in a clinical trial that is intended to evaluate the efficacy of a newly-developed therapeutic treatment for exposure to a lethal airborne environmental toxin. A complete prospectus outlining the guidelines for this study is on file in the office of the Food and Drug Administration. Be advised that the FDA as well as any persons involved in the clinical trial will not bear any liability for illness, injury, or death incurred by any participant in the study. Cognizant of the fact that many individuals experience anxiety prior to participating in a clinical trial, all participants will be given a daily dosage of the tranquilizer drug Zerenety for seven days prior to the initiation of the trial. In the interest of full disclosure, we are required to inform you that Zerenety is a water-soluble three-ring isomer hydride that markedly reduces subcortical noradrenaline activity, resulting in decreased autonomic lability. Major side-effects of Zerenety identified in double-blind clinical trials with both oral and intravenous administration that occur at above average frequency (i.e. 20%–30% of cases) include explosive diarrhea, severe dehydration, kidney failure, desynchronization of cortical electrical activity, syncope, and prolonged coma.
With respect the clinical trial in which you have been enrolled, be advised of the following: All participating subjects will be exposed to an invisible odorless gas which within five minutes will render a person incontinent, blind, psychotic, comatose or some combination of the four. One hour prior to the introduction of the gas, all participants in the study will be given a pill. Members of the experimental group will be given the pill Squish which is hypothesized to neutralize any toxic effects of the gas. Members of the placebo group will be given a pill that is not formulated to have any impact on the adverse effects of the gas. It has been decided, however, that each subject will be allowed some control in determining his or her group membership. To this end, subjects will be given the opportunity to take a twenty-question true-false examination to determine which of the two groups will be most appropriate for them. If you correctly answer eighteen or more questions, you will be assigned to the experimental group. If you obtain fewer than eighteen correct answers, you will be assigned to the placebo group. If, for whatever reason, you do not take the test, you will also be assigned to the placebo group.
The test to determine your group membership is presented below. Take care to evacuate your bowels and bladder before you begin and be forewarned: cheating will not be tolerated. Here are a few tips you may find useful. Sigmund Freud was a notorious gossip. Four Popes have died while having sex. There are enough sperm in one single man to impregnate every woman on the planet. Leonardo da Vinci had ADHD. Do well or suffer the consequences!
Answer only true or false:
- “Go.” is the shortest sentence in the English language.
- Talent hits a target no-one else can hit while genius hits a target no-one else can see.
- The word “testify” is based on the Ancient Roman practice of making men swear on their testicles when making a statement in court.
- There are more possible iterations of a game of chess than there are known atoms in the universe.
- If a vegetarian is caught eating animal crackers, she can no longer call herself a vegetarian.
- One species of jellyfish, Turritopsis, is immortal.
- The youngest pope was twelve years old.
- Dragonflies have shovel-shaped penises so that they can scoop out their rival’s sperm.
- If the police arrest a mime, he should still be told he has the right to remain silent.
- “Stewardesses” is the longest word in English typed by using only the left hand.
- An atheist should be allowed to get insurance against an act of God.
- “Dreamt” is the only word in English that ends in “mt.”
- Prick is both a verb and a noun.
- Guilt is like a cancer in that you can treat the symptoms but not the cause.
- “Chase” and “chaste” are homonyms.
- It is impossible to hum while holding your nose.
- The longest hiccup attack lasted 68 years.
- If a deaf child swears using sign language, his mother should wash his hands with soap.
- More people have been to the moon than to the Maria Trench.
- Sometimes a rumor can have far worse consequences than a tumor.
THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE AND ENJOY THE REST OF YOUR DAY!
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
David Sheskin’s work has been published in numerous magazines over the years. Most recently he has appeared in The Dalhousie Review, Shenandoah, Chicago Quarterly Review, and Tamarind. His most recent books are David Sheskin’s Cabinet of Curiosities and Outrageous Wedding Announcements.
