The Man Who Shook Hands with Everyone; A Myth From the Future
By Ed Luker.
The year is 2183. A child sits reading from their pad, breathing through an oxygen mask. Through the window is a barren planet. The child raises its eyes from the pad and turns to its carer: ‘What’s handshaking mum?’
The mother responds, irritably: ‘It’s an old human custom where people said hello by holding each other’s hands and shaking them.’
‘Why don’t people do that anymore?’ the child inquires.
‘Well, once upon a time there was a man. He was the most powerful man in the land. Many people thought he was very brave, a strong man of action. Many people, however, thought he was a bad man; a lazy man who was not as brave as he wanted people to think he was. He had waited to become leader his whole life, from the first moment he could even think, from the first moment he could breathe. He was very ambitious and would do anything to get what he wanted. He would let nothing get in his way. He had many powerful friends across the land. To become leader, he emblazoned lies on the side of a bus. He drove around the country telling people these lies. He paid his friends in newspapers to repeat them. He said the same lies over and over again. And still many people did not believe him. They would follow him in his bus and call him a liar. Occasionally the newspapers would do this too. One time, to hide from a cunning questioner, he climbed into a large plastic refrigerator. It was a source of great embarrassment for the man and for his friends.
Eventually, his friends and advisors decided that it was best he not say very much. This was perfect because the less he said, the more people liked him. They thought he seemed like a strong man, a man of action, a man to get things done. And despite his former mishaps, even because of them, many people did love him. Through lies, trickery, and deception he eventually became leader. He got the job he always wanted. The first couple of months of being leader were great. He went on nice holidays and everyone adored him, they said he was doing a great job. Before he had even had the chance to do anything! Everyone was very generous. Everyone, that is, apart from the people that remembered the lies.
One day, it turned out the land over which he ruled was infected with a very nasty plague. It made people cough and was lethal to the elderly and the vulnerable. People from all over the world warned each other to stay at home, to avoid this plague. The problem was that if everyone stayed at home, no one would make any money. This leader loved money, more than anything else. And so did all of his friends. So, he ignored the advice to stay indoors and did not tell the people he ruled over to stay indoors, either. In fact, he rather pretended there was no problem at all. The people were worried, however, as they could see that more and more people were sick and were dying. Their friends were sick and their family members were dying. The leader tried to reassure the people. He addressed them on the television. He announced: ‘you don’t need to worry, everything will be OK, I have been in a hospital with the plague in it. I have been shaking hands with people who have the plague, and as you can see, I am fine.’ In spite of this great gesture of bravery, the people were not reassured.
Some time passed.
The leader had said many things to reassure the people. In fact, every week, every day even, he would say different things. Often, he would say something that ran contrary to something he had said the week before. He said that the people should clap for all the brave doctors and health workers. He clapped for them too, for their efforts to cure the plague. Yet everybody knew, because everyone knew a healthworker, that they did not have proper protection against the plague. Everyone knew what they needed. Everyone knew it was the role of the leader to give it to the healthworkers. The people grew very confused. Even the people that loved him, even his rich friends in the newspapers, started to say that maybe, quite possibly, the leader did not know what he was doing.
In an unfortunate turn of events, this leader, the man who shook hands with everyone, even those who had the plague, he was struck down by this plague. It was entirely surprising and no one could quite understand how it had happened. Because he did not want the people to be scared, he said he was fine, that he would be fine, and that everything would go on as normal. He even posed for many videos that showed he was fine and his health was normal. Despite his proclamations that he was actually in good health, the people knew that he was not fine. He was seriously ill. He had waited his whole life to become leader. He had done everything he could to get there. And, through his great efforts as leader, his bravery, his hand shaking, he had become very very sick indeed. As the days rolled on and the ambulance sirens increased in volume, it became clear, despite his initial proclamations that he was fine, when it was said in the papers that he had been taken to hospital with the plague, that he was not very well at all. . .’
“’ . . and what’s the rest of the story mummy?’ the child continued with its incessant questioning.
‘Oh god I can’t remember. I didn’t listen in school. But that’s why we don’t shake hands anymore, because of The Man Who Shook Hands With Everyone.’
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