:: Buzzwords

3:AM in Lockdown 2: Heidi James

Isolation Notes to Self
By Heidi James.

Got up early and bought a tin of ratatouille and some kidney beans from the Co-op. Smiled and said thanks to the person on the till. Feel full of love for humanity.

Worry that all this Covid-19 is a ruse by the world order to overthrow democracy and destroy all civil liberties.

Confuse myself with questions such as ‘What is democracy?’ And ‘Are civil liberties a delusion?’

Do the hoovering again. Dust accumulates quicker in a crisis.

Tell myself not to be paranoid.

Conspiracy theories are for dummies!

But are they?

What if the new world order is necessary and better and heals all that ails us?

What the fuck??? You can’t trust Boris, Trump etc.

So, being as they’re all about money and we’re on track to be fucked financially maybe this isn’t a ruse and is a real crisis!

Or maybe they’ll get even richer by controlling the markets and buying cheap all the failed business etc.

Look out the window and watch the birds scrap over the lard balls.

Turn on the telly and watch people scrap over bread and loo rolls.

Wonder where the police are?

Wonder how long it will be before looting starts?

Ponder that maybe this is fresh start for the world and how we might all feel connected and grateful.

Remind myself that utopias are inherently fascist.

Remind myself that I know jackshit about most things.

Avoid all the well-meaning requests for Skype or FaceTime ‘hangouts’.

Worry about the water companies — do I need to start filling empty bottles with tap water and store them?

Realise I’m losing it.

Pretend I’m not.

I’m not.

Listen to a red kite call.

Watch Comma butterflies have an aerial ruck over territory.

Scroll through social media and berate myself on how everyone else is doing this with more style, grace and intellect than I could ever.

Read a book.

Can’t concentrate.

Eat a slice of bread — it is heaven.

Wash up knife and plate.

Worry about my loved ones, worry about everyone, everything, everywhere.

Give up.

Brush my teeth, feel better, so put on deodorant and brush my hair.

Paranoia starts up again.

Make a list of things I can achieve:

Give up.

First posted: Tuesday, March 24th, 2020.

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